Wilderness

Everyone talks about having “wilderness experiences,” when life feels directionless and slow.

I’ve had two of them.

The first was after an awesome two years living in Istanbul. I didn’t want to come back to America but knew my time overseas was up. I fought it. I complained. I was miserable.

And I was directionless.

When I was 12, I knew that I wanted to be a wife and mother, but I got to 24, and then 25, and 26, and still didn’t have a love interest.

Teaching jobs I tried for dried up.

I worked a couple part-time jobs while living with my family. And not necessarily being the most helpful member of the family.

Miserable. Frustrated. I didn’t know why God would put something in my heart and not give it to me.

What I didn’t realize then was that the Israelites were given 40 years in the wilderness because they complained instead of trusting God. What was supposed to be a short trek across the desert turned into 40 years of not having a home. Of only eating manna. Of moving when the cloud moved, and stopping when the cloud stopped. They were required to learn to trust God.

They did learn it. (though of course they forgot it as soon as they got to their Promised Land, but that’s where I’m choosing not to let the analogy continue in my life!)

Right after my 26^th birthday, God brought me out of the wilderness and brought me to Josh. The wilderness time was over.

Until 6 or so years later, when I started getting the itch to move to Florida. I knew the whole family was headed there eventually, but they seemed to be dragging their feet.

And the exact same feelings started up again.

Frustrated. Miserable.

I wanted to move, and NOW. But I couldn’t do it on my own, and no one else had the same motivation to just go!

This time, though, the Lord brought someone into my life. As we started talking about our struggles with living in Buffalo and not where we thought we were supposed to be going, He worked in both of our hearts.

I fought it at first, just like I’d fought it at 24, but gradually I started realizing I needed to learn something and not just fight it.

I started to focus on being thankful. I started taking things that normally frustrated me (like snow) and finding something I really, truly appreciated about it. (like the fact that the snow allowed the apples to grow!)

It took a long time, but I started sensing a different attitude. I really wasn’t miserable anymore. I found myself worshiping instead of griping.

Then the big day came: putting the house on the market! We were free!

…until it didn’t sell that summer. Or in the fall. Winter came. The winter I didn’t think I was going to be in Buffalo to experience.

It was hard to keep my eyes on what God had been teaching. Oh, so very hard. Reading the listings and watching houses come and go from the market, seeing Josh’s parents close on their house down here, packing up our warm-weather clothes in exchange for dreaded hats and mittens.

It felt like my final exam. Did I really learn how to trust? Did I really learn how to be thankful in all things?

I chose to be thankful. I chose to trust. I didn’t understand why it was taking so long, but I chose to believe.

And 5 ½ months after putting a sign in our front yard, we finally got a real offer.

When we first moved down, I worried that I was only thankful because we were here. But I know I really did learn how to be thankful. I really did learn how to trust. And if another test comes along, I know that I now have the tools to keep my mind on Jesus instead of on my situation.

It doesn’t mean I want another test. Or that the next big thing to come my way won’t be completely different. But I learned and won’t have to struggle the same way through this particular test next time!